Maryland Family Quick Trip

I got to go see my baby daughter in Maryland last week for a few days. She lives with my sister so I was able to squeeze in visiting with her family as a bonus. My precious middle daughter was supposed to come with and sadly got too sick to come along. Thank goodness we chose Southwest for our airlines so she could save her flight credit. Shoutout! But man did we miss having our sweet Lexx with us for sister time. Hopefully it will only ensure we do this again sooner than we would have so we can get her there, too. Wink wink. 😉

My nephews are both at an age where acting super excited to see their aunt may not be cool at first, but they both came around to it and man was it great hanging out with them in their natural habitat. lol. They even have some time out of school due to the cold, icy weather. I so much enjoyed soaking up all their talents between music, basketball, hearing about horse riding, and even watching some farming on Xbox! I mean, who really knew how much one could learn about harvesting crops from a video game???

I got there right on the end of a big winter storm so I got to see snow but not actually have to be in the midst of the storm. That was perfect.

I got to see the set up that they have done for Laci, which has been super hospitable of them. Like above and beyond for sure. I loved seeing her adjust to the new climate; as difficult as it may be. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is doing a fabulous job at such a young age, adjusting to a new state, a new climate, new job, and new school and frankly new family routines. She is getting some new medical attention that we hope will be beneficial for her future after all she’s been there fighting for these diagnosis’s. She’s one tough cookie. I enjoyed my time with her and miss her again already.

In my pics you can see my super fun brother in law, Stuart, having my nephews wave “bye” to me all the way to the airport. 🤣 It must have gotten me some good luck because I had a row of seats all to myself on the plane, so thank you, Blake and Aaron! I love y’all and can’t wait to see you again.

Kathy, my sweet and sassy sister, I always am anxious for our next visit. Thank you for making me feel at home always in your lovely home and especially for loving my kids as your own. There’s nothing better for a mother’s heart. ❤️

See y’all soon, Texas, Maryland, or Hawaii, maybe? ;)🤔

Love, Aunt D& Momma

Waving me off —— and off and off

Games with Laci

Laci told them to sing 🎶 the bday song to me and they came but they sang to her 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Dang, Girl. Always Honest Skincare Chats.

Being this honest with one’s old ass face doesn’t come easy, friends. My lines, your lines, our lines and scars tell our stories in life. Mine simply all aren’t smile lines and giggles, however I assure you, plenty of them are from happy facial motions that I would stick there again and again given the chance.

But there is some great news out here in the beauty industry to share.

There are constantly more ways of limiting, reducing, and even erasing facial lines being “pumped out” now days. I, personally, have never once put a needle to my face. Not because I don’t believe or want the Botox help! Simply because I do so many other medical needles and appointments, I have not been able to talk myself into volunteering them into my face at a cost just yet. I’m getting super tempted and very close!!! For now tho, here is what is happening in my topical skincare battle.

In November the company I sell products for came out with a line reducer that is the closest thing to Botox and the most exciting thing since sliced bread to me. 76% as effective is the claim. Watching lines that life has entrenched on your face simply fade away to smooth, bright skin again is a mood lift that is difficult to put into words. Watch me try, though. 😉

Did I expect it when I bought a product with the label ‘DYNAMIC Wrinkle Limiter’? A little. Expecting something and then feeling above and beyond results are two different things. I almost always have had good product results from this company, thus me sticking with it for well over 21 years now. Almost all of those years, their skincare has been branded #1 in the world, I digress. However, here’s more detail about how this particular before and after plays out.

In 2021, I started using our line of products called Time-Wise Volu-firm. It’s like the ‘Big Girl’ version of our Time-Wise skincare line but for over 40 or people with significant skin issues to reverse (umm, hello to both things and yes, I was late to that parrrtttyyy). When I switched I saw some smoothing of my skin and some brightening of the sun spots I had started getting. It was exciting and made me look forward to washing my face again everyday instead of just feeling like it was a chore (don’t tell Ms. Ash I said that). I was doubtful much could top that feeling of simply having “nice” skin at my age, 50.

If I’m being honest, because of my autoimmune crap, my sun loving history, my genetic history, and scars from some acne and psoriasis and things, I accepted that my skin was going to be, at best, just “okay” or nice feeling. Maybe never, “great.”

Overly honest, I tried a few other skincare brands for a short bit to see if I was maybe missing the mark on something. My skin declined on 2 of them, not improved. Another one it was about the same. So back to my brand I went for wholesale, I mean, duh, right?

I have added a few supplements since 2021- I mean time marches on, right? Like it marches right across my face. Lol. Last year, I added the Clinical Solutions form of retinol that we carry that is the most potent on the market. Again, this was a fun time, but I was timid with it because it coincided with summer (super sun sensitivity; use sunscreen, people!) and having autoimmune issues, I ended up hesitant due to fears. I had no actual issues when I did finally try it more often that our calming milk didn’t solve. PS. I need to get my ass out of the sun but that’s another talk show. 😉

So long story, longer, what you are seeing is not one product. It’s a result of am/pm skin cycling with a new product (the wrinkle limiter) in the last 35 days as of these pictures. I used the Mary Kay Skin Analyzer App, the bottom row, wrinkle detector (if you click on it it brings you to this awful highlighted wrinkle picture of exactly where your wrinkles are) to do the before and after.

I strongly encourage you to remember to do a before picture and screenshot this screen on the app because it will not save your results. Or send it to me and I will screen shot it for you and save it for your after shot in 4,8, and/or 12 weeks. The Skin Analyzer App also detects skin type, over texture, number of wrinkles, uneven skin tone, and undereye appearance. Make sure you have good lightening around you when you do your app picture for best results. Send your results to me for an added bonus. 😉 These types of results you would pay hundreds of dollars for from a dermatologist office. You might even be surprised by some of the details the app spits back at you; good and bad. 😉

Don’t be shy, go download the app and send me those results. I showed you mine, show me yours. Lol.

I Concede. Trump Won. But Keep Your Christian Value Paws Off Me

If you ever feel the need to keep telling me about America needing Christian values and you voted for THAT man, please save all your time, money and frankly any air it might waste. 

As far as I understand it, politics are a culmination of beliefs and morals. If those are Christian values or represent your Jesus or God, I’ll be skipping church for brunch or swimming as I have since Trump first explained how he controls women in 2016 and that privilege was celebrated by hard churched up men. 

My bible’s translation must have gotten really mixed up in the ones I have read. I’m so grateful I have a pool nearby and a man that loves to cook brunch. It makes my Sunday mornings less hypocritical. 

When I was in church (a lot of frigin time) when I was younger, and obviously more naive, I read that Bible. The great commission was to lead people to Christ; literally to make sure people go to this “heaven”there used to be so much concern over. Now all I hear about is immigration, pro-life, or the economy or worrying to death about gays and sex. It was Christ based when I read it. Jesus was on earth for people, love, and hope; not power or money.  Plus if you think you have gay friends but don’t understand why they are upset about the election, you know some gay people, you DON’T have gay friends. Digress. 

Don’t get me wrong! Seeing Christianity turn into this literal money and power GRAB (you know, the p*ssy one) has lead me to realize that no one really believed in that heaven or hell shit they taught us  anyway. It was all a power ploy to get money or sex from the weak and/or deceived. It was to control them. Some actually just used the witnessing or teaching times to literally s*xually as*ault them. 

Hindsight is 20/20 when you leave a cult. Since I’ve been sharing my stories I have heard hundreds similar to mine and the the women that Trump as*aulted. It’s sickening. I am by no means alone in this trend. 

In an attempt to save you time, expense or breath on your heaven/hell stitch, I’ll give you examples of some of these “power-grabs”:

A few of the last people to offer prayers or concern for my salvation were also m*lesting and/or groping me on occasions. One actually bit me when I refused his advances; like a fucking vampire.  Power-grab.

When I wasn’t “obedient” to other Christian men with “power” in my past life they have yelled and handled me physically with some force but didn’t leave enough marks so they considered it “fine”. They have broke up with, or divorced me, cheated a little or a lot , refused to follow divorce decree orders or just gave me less money for expenses they knew we/I had. A couple of them have rejoiced in my chronic illness or said I am sick from not being ‘obedient’ to THEM or God.  And of course the classic sexu*l as*ault. Some of this started as early as 13 up to just a few years ago. All denying any wrong doing when I tried to resolve any issue with them. Every single one.

All men who had some kind of power over me or saw it that way, like simply being a “husband” because that stupid religion taught us that was an arena of power over a woman. How obnoxious and arrogant of anyone to teach me that being a wife meant complete submission no matter what and how stupid I was for believing it! 

Power ploys. Power-grabs. All because I didn’t follow their orders or their Gods. 

Maybe THEY should run for president? For sure get into politics, correct? I mean that’s too much knowledge, religion, and power to be wasted.  🙄I can give you their names if you want to nominate them.  They are all Trump followers.  Two of them have been landlords. Two have been ordained ministers. One was my resident director of dorms at my college. One was my father who felt like he owned me and frankly never let that feeling go. Tough places for a woman to be to just yell for help or tattle.  Especially when we have presidents and pastors who lead with this type of behavior. Doesn’t it teach everyone that it’s okay? Also, please note that even when I did tattle on them, people didn’t believe me or weren’t able to do anything because: power. 

Also note this, at 50 years old, I’ve NEVER once been abused or assaulted by any member of the LBGTQ community as I was taught by my Christian church to fear all throughout my educational years. Never. It makes me sick how many years of my youth I spent believing that bullshit only to be groped repeatedly by grown ass Christian white straight men that smelled like privilege, sweat, and cheap cologne. 

 Please rest assured, I’ll die trying to teach other women, young ladies,my children, and any grandchildren that come along, about the POWER-GRABS made in Jesus name,  in case you want to save that time and money on them also. 

I’ll teach them that Christian Nationalist “values” are misleading lies. You can skip my people. 

We won’t be your fan club; won’t be on the sign up sheets and won’t be paying you 10% of our income to be touched and live in fear of your hell. We won’t be donating to your mega church staff members or building funds. 

Thanks and gig ‘em. Cheers to the next 4 years. I also conceded to owning weapons. 😉

I hope you get to stay out of that hell you speak about. 

PS.  Good news. Your grandpa made that up, too. 😉🏝️🏖️

Court Date; He is Stealing Spoons

Some of you may have heard of the Spoon Theory. It’s is a blog that went viral by Christine Miserandino I linked it at the bottom. From Wikipedia- She used spoons to provide a visual representation of units of energy that a person might have and how chronic illness forces her to plan out her days and actions in advance, so as not to run out of energy, or spoons, before the end of the day.^[1]

Some of you may start your day with 50, 25, 18 spoons. I usually have about 6-8.
Each activity, event, or choice I make takes a spoon. Whether I like it or not. It’s the cards dealt to me about 8 years ago after a rough flare up with mono kicked up about 4 auto immune issues in my body. They aren’t leaving me. My days are run by this.

Doctors appointments, pharmacy calls, pick ups, insurance debates and calls, coupons for prescriptions, changing pharmacies when one isn’t in stock or they don’t carry it, speciality pharmacies, new insurance or after divorce, no insurance, and procedures and pre-approvals for procedures and labs.
Spoons used for daily things that most don’t even consider like deciding to shower, to wash my hair or not; takes a spoon. Deciding to use one to put on make up, work, clean, cook, kids medical or hospital stuff doctors appointments, grocery shop, go to lunch or dinner, takes spoons. Even things that sound relaxing like getting my nails or hair done, holidays, or travel; all take spoons. It’s taxing whether it’s fun or chores. There is the same fatigue afterwards.

Sometimes I borrow spoons from the next day or even the week coming up because I get excited or need to do things for my kids or other people. I want to. What that means is the next the days or week are spent having none. When there are none left, I lay sick; the bed, couch, more meds, and issues own me. It’s not one nap and rested up. My only control of this is who and wear I spend or give my spoons. I have friends who understand, friends who say they understand, and friends who are almost invisible now.

From the end of 2018 to the beginning of 2020, I exhausted every spoon with horrible discoveries that my “great” marriage was a sham and I was married to a pathological liar who was seeing another women for a while and many other unresolvable things. It ended in divorce mid 2020.
Why do I tell you this drama? Because the man that went through my diagnosis, acceptance, and learning curve with me, is now taking full advantage of knowing this about me and attempting to control my life from a distance because I refused to stay married to him after a laundry list of wrong doing. Just wrong.

In short, this week. I have to use spoons to compile emails to prove that I repeatedly offered our landlord rent money on a little place my ex rented for me during our separation. But ex decided to terminate the lease with landlord behind my back for zero reason. It’s one more form of his control. He promised me the landlord would work with me in an email. The landlord said he needed written permission from ex.
Over several months the narrative has changed repeatedly by my ex in emails but the landlord has stood his ground in not speaking to me even though I am on the lease. It is all so odd.
I have to be at an eviction hearing in 3 days with a landlord that is refusing to take a rent check from me simply because of some narrative from my ex husband that I do not know other than he terminated a lease that I am also on with the man. The landlord will not take my money or communication. Sound crazy? That’s all I know. I have rent money for this landlord but he is evicting me.

Yet, most annoying is knowing that going to court is using a spoons. Printing all this evidence is using spoons. Moving is using too many spoons.
There simply isn’t anyone that knows this better than my ex who pretended to understand and have the deepest sympathy for me all those years. He knows the impact of this which gives you a good start to the type of man I found out he was a couple of years ago.
There is so much more. This is just one move. He has crippled me financially while pretending to be helpful in front of others. He has adjusted and changed every agreement originally put in place. My medical issues and bills alone have nearly double during this tension and lose of insurance.
I will not silence myself while he acts like some kind of new changed man any longer. It is not okay. His lies have not stopped, they have changed.
~I do not take lightly to people controlling and wasting my spoons. I have had enough. I will use them this week for court. I will be there.

This will not go well for the people stealing them.

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

“Don’t ever do what your mother just did”;That’s what she said to my daughter on speaker phone in my car.

There was a thin, darkly tanned, blonde woman crying on the way home from grabbing my girls some dinner last night. She was on the edge of the road, but as cars came over the hill in the dusk; she was causing vehicles to slam in their brakes.

She had a pink glitter backpack and a black purse.

Is that what made her seem less dangerous to me? I don’t know; but without a second thought I made a u-turn, pushed my hazard light button and pulled up beside her when the traffic subsided. I asked her to get in my car and let me at take her to somewhere safe.

I have never in my life put a stranger in my car. I’m the worlds “good girl”; or as Gwen Stefani would say, “I’m Just A Girl in the World; that’s all that they’ll let me be”

She seemed hesitant as I made a quick promise to just take her to a parking lot closer and let her get some water to recover from heat. She crawled in my car and balled up and sobbed.

Pandemic and all, I patted this stranger like we had be friends for life.

I have no idea what came over me.

I picked up a grown woman walking on the side of the road. It was dangerous. It was reckless. It was nothing I could help. I was compelled and I can’t even say I regret it.

By the time I left her at a park where she wanted to go for the night, I was in tears like I was leaving a friend in the darkness alone.

Y’all.

I have no idea if I have hit rock bottom with this divorce, chronic illness, and pandemic crap or if it’s all just really this sad, but I have thought of her all night. If that’s even her real name.

I cried for 2 hours after I left her and I was up again at 3:30 in tears.

Be careful how far up your high horse sits. I fear we are all one mistake, one job loss, one health issue away from a similar day on the side of the road.

Would you want someone to pick you up?

I always tell my kids never say never or always.

I Had a Virus…My Life Was Stolen.

I am one of “the weakened”….

Listen.

I Unfriended, not snooze or blocked or hid for 30 days….a good friend of mine that I grew up with this morning. She doesn’t want to sit in her house or wear a mask any longer. She’s tired of it. She’s made it clear in a few posts on social media.

As a matter of fact, recently, I think I’ve unfriended about 30 people. One was a cousin of my mothers that I was always told was a “sweetheart”. But she is just not “falling” for this hoax of a virus.

Y’all. You know what gets really exhausting????? Being sick.

Try to remember; I have seen some of my friends post about having the flu or a minor surgery.

A few days in, almost always, I can find something that says they are sick of being sick. Tired of “sitting around”. Upset with not having their life as planned.

Every flu season, it makes me feel a little tougher. Seriously? Your tired of not feeling well? Preach!

Healthy people come down to my level and are tired of it before a week is over!!!

Being forever ill is not fun. It’s quiet a different life than living healthy.

Listen y’all,

I’ve tried since the beginning of this pandemic not to type my bitter words out, but this shit is getting real.

Things are re-opening. Most claim because they need to go back to work. I get that.

I’ve had money and I’ve had none. The likelihood of me ever having much again is slim.

Because I AM SICK ALL THE TIME!!!

Having money was better for us then having very little.

Allow me also to tell you what I’ve had.

Mono. The Epstein Barr virus. Multiple times.

In 2012, I had the most memorable bout with mono. My body has and will never be the same. It gets so so old.

I’ve read my last post of a “friend”, that covid (corona virus, whatever) is not real or we should not be afraid of it because we believe in Jesus.

I am not afraid of dying.

Did you hear me?

I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of LIVING with more side effects of a virus.

But why would I want to fight another virus?

I watched my mother who had been sick most of her damn life get told she was dying. What did she do or ask for? A Dr Pepper slush she had been restricted from. No carrying on or crying. Y’all. She was tired of being sick. I understood then because I respected her and had gone with her often to medical appointments.

I understand, now, because not being well and wanting more from life is a daily struggle.

What I AM afraid of, is living with ANOTHER virus. A brand new one that could be avoided with some help of hygiene and others wearing a mask FOR ME. I’ve been sick for 8 years and to watch people be tired of taking precautions makes me nauseous.

We (yes, you and I reading this) do not yet know what all this virus can do to the body. We know some.

It’s new.

Every functional, herbal, or western medicine doctor that has taken any extreme interest in my health problems the last 8 years, has asked me, “have you had a virus that was hard to get rid of?”

Why? Because as it turns out; I recovered from a virus BUT never will recover from the lasting effects on my body.

No one in 8 years can give me the same straight answer to why, but for some reason, mono seems to be what kicked off all my further autoimmune issues. I did not know then that I was susceptible to autoimmune.

You may not know, now what you are susceptible to. Maybe Covid will be YOUR kick off.

Do you know if you are? Your children? Your grandchildren? Your parents?

Am I saying we should all cower and live in fear?

Nope. Nope. Nope. But if you would not mind, maybe not tearing down or making fun of the ones of us who don’t crave more of this body mutiny, that would be SO KIND of you.

My life was stolen.

I am alive, but living looks different than it did 8 years ago.

My career, my parenting, my ability to be the person I wanted to be….all stolen with one virus that kicked off an array of debilitating issues in my body.

Am I angry? Sometimes.

But I do not wish this on anyone? I never have.

Or, at least I didn’t used to.

Reading some people’s ugliness on social media about “weakened immune systems and elderly” being at risk and then seeing how the disregard comes into play when you are asked to wear a mask, it’s changing my heart.

I have to block it. I have to unsee it.

A few extra precautions to lessen the spread and white men screaming that the government is invading, is not something I’m going to look at well. You will not convince me it’s Christ like, so please stop bringing Christianity into any of this.

It’s disregard for my life. I am the weak right now in America.

Political side note: Most of these same people claim to be “pro-life”. I can’t begin to tell you how annoying it is to watch them scream about pro-life voting and such and then take blatant disregard for human life through this pandemic. It’s a starling array of hypocrisy.

Whether or not you care? I have no idea.

If you can’t find concern for me, think about wearing a mask for someone that you do love that may not recover or recover well from a virus.

We simply do not know.

Class of 2020 Mommas!

One of the paychecks we get to cash in on being a mom is gratefulness. We don’t always show it or feel it in a timely manner.

05/08/2020

I hear so many people say they lost their mother before she knew how appreciative they were.

Or maybe they didn’t even realize until there was great loss.

Either way, I think Mommas still know.

There is a bit of work that goes into feeling successful at mothering, to say the least; emotional and physical.

When they are little there is so much physical, you often don’t have time to process the emotions.

Yesterday my son completed all his undergrad work. Tyler has been in college longer than he thought he would.

He learned so much more than book knowledge.

He has learned to party safety, love groups of friends, have some conflict with those friends and roommates and work it out himself. He has learned to eat lot when it’s offered and not much when money was tight. Remember those days?

He has learned to see people as human, a diverse group of opinionated people who can still be on one team with something in common because we are all human. We need each other.

He has laughed, cried, stressed, failed and succeeded.

Without the failures, I’m sure he would not be where he is now.

Does anyone actually arrive? Not if they are smart.

You keep growing.

Mary Kay always said, “School is never out for the pro.”

The college path is over, the learning is not.

Now, we grow separately.

He has had friendships that have replaced the need for mom and then times when nothing could. Those days, I got the call.

It has been a ride from the beginning.

Did I do everything right?

No. I tried hard to teach my son that apologies are changed behaviors and not just words.

Anyone can make them, including parents. He has heard his mother say she is sorry. I have tried very hard to make things right when I handled them wrong.

If I over stepped, or under for that matter, I apologized. I still will.

Because you see, I’m learning, also. He is my first. I’m learning to be a parent of an adult child.

I learn my new role as parent just as he learns to be an adult.

It sometimes hurts; they call it growing pains because change is often painful but necessary.

But my journey continues with a happy heart because of one text thread with my boy.

He said, “Thanks”

No matter how many degrees or jobs or how much money I make in life; there will never be anything that replaces the feeling of a grateful child to his mother who has spent every day of the last 23 years trying to be the best mother I could.

My work here is not done, but I’m promoted to a new position.

No one is ever quiet ready, but leaps of faith are the best ones to take.

Cheers, Tyler. Congratulations on so much success behind you and ahead of you.

Most of all, congratulations on processing the failures and learning from mistakes.

You are loved beyond words by this mother of yours.

I may not always be with you, but I am always “with you” somehow in my heart.

Charge forward. One step at a time; but stay grateful.

Hindsite literally now 20/20

I have at least 300 notes ready to write blogs in my notes.

I read this one early this morning. We are now face forward into at least 4 different major health issues from malnutrition from that stomach issue. I’m so sad and a little angry. My poor baby girl.

…from Sept 18, 2019 ….

When chronic illness turns personal …

In March, my youngest daughter had her second appointment with Scottish Rite rheumatology.

She was 15 then. I had switched pediatricians after 15 years. Since she was a toddler she has woken up periodically in the night with what the previous one had called, “growing pains” in her legs, arms, ankles, and feet. For years on end I would rub her legs in the night until she could fall back asleep or give her ibuprofen/Tylenol.

Through middle school and increased sports, the pain and tears increased.

From 13 to 15 we had her labs tested. Her ANA was positive 3 different times. Every time it came back, they told me it was probably an infection and nothing to worry about because her sed rate was normal.

The odd thing during those years was that MY health rapidly declined and I learned more and more about auto immune.

What I also learned is that I had other children that slept through the night with no pain. It simply didn’t make sense.

My irritation comes with the medical community responding with, “this is probably normal”, when a mother is telling you something is wrong.

I have through these years experienced first hand on my own, professionals and others tell me my own issues weren’t important enough for them to resolve and then finding another doctor that took the time to help. It’s an amazing thing.

Chronic illness and auto immune is not a fast money making issue. There no quick money in it; Not a lot of surgery money or injection money. I’ve promptly learned they want to dismiss the mysterious because it takes time and insurance doesn’t pay for time. They pay for codes on paper. Stamp, process, pay.

That may sound harsh, but guys, hear me out. How can one doctor pass up things that are so wrong while one can spot the same obvious problem?

My rheumatologist explained it all so well. They want nothing to do with pain management. It’s a huge problem for the medical field.

Not just the drugs, but all the ways to avoid the drugs.

It’s not a money making business.

It doesn’t feel like the miracle working business of saving lives. It’s kind of depressing actually for some.

Well, no kidding. Imagine living it!

Which leads me to today.

I’m bringing my daughter to Children’s Medical Center on a referral from Scottish Rite that she may have a thyroid problem and fibromyalgia at 16.

You should have heard them explain fibromyalgia to her at Scottish Rite. They told her it may or may not be real based on emotional trauma in the past.

What? If you have it, you can tell it’s real. I assure you of that, Nurse Suzie Q.

But thanks for the extra vote of confidence.

Also, this “pain” they believe she’s dealing with and referred her for, was from her appointment in March.

Meanwhile, they are telling this 100 lb baby to pop ibuprofen daily. What?

Does any one there know what daily mess on the stomach that will do? So she will end up with a Gastro doctor soon if we do that. That’s March to September and frankly the original appointment was November. They moved it up because I kept calling for cancellations.

Hey Momma

Hey Momma. I wanted to call you today.

Your neighborhood was flooding yesterday. It would have just made you miserable to see it again. I wonder what you see and hear up there. I can’t help it.

But that’s not what I’m calling about.

Like always, I’m being selfish. The kid in me needs her momma.

Remember when you used to call me all excited because you were having a “good” day. You just wanted it to last and last. We all did. We all hoped it you for your sake.

Mom, I had a good day yesterday. It’s been so long. It came out of no where.

And guess what I did?!

I laughed and joked with Richey and the kids. I went swimming with Brady and Richey. I cleaned a little and worked online and then I tried to nap because I kept thinking it wouldn’t last. I got back up! I had pain but the exhaustion wasn’t there.

Mom, it was so crazy.

I distinctly remember it being just like you used to say you, I couldn’t run a marathon or anything but man, I was like giddy with excitement to just feel okay for a while.

Now I am up at 3:30 in the morning hurting a little (sore) but still so thankful yesterday was fun.

~It’s the strangest thing to realize that some people feel like that everyday. My mind cannot even conceive it any more. I actually used to feel that way everyday, too.

So now I’m doing just what you used to do on the phone with me.

You would go over,step by step,the last days, weeks, and even months leading up to that day to see if there was anything you could recall that helped. I’m up doing that now, but it started last night when I tried to sleep. My mind went crazy trying to thinking all the ways I could eat the same things, take the same meds, move the same ways, read the same things, or pray the same prayers. Please, dear God, replicate it again.

I must go do something productive now. I know you understand. There is a panicked fear that this won’t last.

Watch over my girls. They have too many signs of this chronic shit creeping in. I know there are worse things, but it just stinks.

Missing you, D

A Last Mommy Moment

Sometimes you don’t know it was a “last.” You hear it over and over but feeling it is cringy. You forgot to savor. 

Years ago I read a book of BETH Moore’s where she said she woke her kids up every morning. She knew it was controversial. Some would think it was spoiling but when she explained herself I knew I would be doing the same thing for as long as I possibly could. The real world will be so harsh. They will have the rest of their life to wake up to that harsh alarm. While they are with me I can make their mornings a joyful experience. I took it on as my mission. 

While I have them set their alarm, I come in right before to make sure their wake up time is pleasant. I have this desire for mornings to be a vision of their purpose for all God can give them for a day; To only see one day at a time and not worry about the future or past. 

This morning was my senior’s last day of high school. She jumped out of bed before her alarm. So when I came to wake her, I was excited to see that she was already up and going. 

It wasn’t until she left for her final exam that I realized that I had woken her up for school for the last time yesterday. I didn’t know yesterday that it would be the last time. 

My baby girl will leave for college in 2 1/12 months. All these mornings of prep will be for her to decide how to wake up, how she will take on the day. I didn’t know to savor it or basque in the moment. I thought it would be this morning. 

Mostly I didn’t know that my stoic self would burst into tears as my independent daughter rushed out the door saying, “last day of school, ever”. 

Of course I rebutted, “ we never stop going to school in real life,”because I’m THAT mom; but in all actuality, it’s her last.  

My heart gleamed with pride, but for some reason, my eyes won’t stop leaking tears down my face. 

Motherhood is such a contradiction. It is not for the weak. Sending love to all my fellow proud mommas! Cheer them on with leaky eyes and swollen hearts. I see you!